Two weeks ago, I lost someone very close to me. My best friend and ex-husband Glenn died. I know that the two "labels" may seem contradictory, but it is what it is. I'm aware not many people understood our relationship, especially after our divorce, but it wasn't for anyone else to understand except for us. And I still feel that way.
The day I married Glenn I knew he was an alcoholic. I knew before that day, but truly believed that love cures all. It took me many years and many tears to come to understand that statement is not true. It isn't a lack of love that keeps people addicts. It's not an act of selfishness as I often believed through the years. It truly is an illness that only one person can cure, and often that person doesn't have the ability to do that. Glenn did not. Glenn was not a selfish person and he had a lot of love to give. He was kind to a fault. He was loving and giving. He was funny. He was my best friend.
We were married for 16 years, together for 19. On the day he died, I had known him for 24 years. More than half my life. I am still trying to figure out how that void is to be filled. The day we were married was truly the best day of my life. His voice trembled when he said his vows, I cried when I said mine. In our wedding video at the reception, my sister Kathy asked him "What's it feel like to be married?" He laughed and giggled and said "I don't know, ask my wife! I can say that now!" It will always be the memory of him that I cherish the most.
I am not looking back at my years with Glenn through rose colored glasses. Just with love and admiration for the person that I had chosen to spend my life with. For an appreciation of all of the amazing gifts that he brought to my life and a respect for the man that he tried very hard to be. I've learned so much from those years and from him. I wish that I had the wisdom then to have appreciated what I did have and not concentrated so hard on what I didn't. We certainly set about to "have" everything. The bigger houses, the newer vehicles, the better jobs, everything we thought our kids needed. Things. We didn't concentrate on being happy, rejoicing in each other, and just being happy. We didn't stop to think that what should have been most important was continuing to nurture our relationship, our love affair, each other. Making sure that our children had a good example of what it meant to be in a marriage and how to be good parents. Nope. We focused on things. I spent my time making sure that we were the perfect family. The house was clean, the meals made, having a great career. We could have it all and I was damned sure focused on making sure we got there. I never once stopped to understand or even realize that I had it all, and I was letting it all slip away for things. Glenn's alcoholism progressed. I vacillated between ignoring it and focusing intently on fixing it. Big surprise, but none of it worked. I pleaded, I begged, I cried, I threatened. During these years, Glenn received a couple of DUI's. Part of his sentences had been to attend AA meetings. He was never an outgoing person or one comfortable with people he didn't know. So I went to the meetings with him. Open meetings and closed. It didn't matter. I couldn't have known at the time, but these meetings, these people in these rooms taught me so much about the disease, and that it had nothing to do with me. At all. That was the most powerful thing that I could learn. There was no one that could cure this disease except one person. Glenn. Those lessons didn't settle all the way in until after the divorce. And then, they became invaluable into allowing me to let go and get mentally healthy. I didn't realize I had become so entrenched in this disease with Glenn that I was no longer healthy either.
In 2007, Glenn had found the strength to tell me that he was unhappy and wanted out. I was devastated and I was angry. I was also embarrassed. I had taken vows!!! For better or worse!! No, I couldn't have known what the worse was really going to look like, but I didn't care. What would people think? I was already traveling a lot for work at that point, so I just stopped going home. I ignored what was going on in my personal life and threw myself into work. It took us 6 months to file for divorce, neither of us could actually bring ourselves to do it. Three months later it was finalized. I wore my wedding ring for 3 months still after that. I couldn't bear to take it off. Then I moved it to my right hand. That was there for another year. Through all of it, what Glenn and I both came to realize was, while our marriage had failed, and we both bear that responsibility, what we missed was our best friend. Each other. We started figuring out a way to find our way back to that relationship. And we did. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't always great. We still new how to push each others buttons and we certainly still knew how to fight. Until we figured out how to stop. And we did.
This last year however was a weird turning point. Glenn became more easily agitated, certainly more aggressive, and as the year wore on, he became downright mean and ugly at some points. Lashing out and then days later apologizing for his words and actions. When we'd talk about it, I'd tell him, you need to get some help. There is something really wrong in your head. He'd say "I know, I just don't know what it is." That was the most positive thing that came from our divorce. We finally figured out how to talk to each other openly and honestly, as friends. I wish we had figured that out while we were married. I wish we had made that important. What we didn't know, what none of us could have known was that Glenn's body and mind was being poisoned from the inside out. He was having physical symptoms and pain for which he sought out treatment for. He was often dismissed with some pathetic advise about smoking, drinking and coffee. Stop all of those and your pain will go away he was told. I believed he was sinking further into a depression because of the alcoholism. None of us knew.
Because he became more erratic, more difficult to speak with and angrier, I pulled away. Month by month I pulled away more. That's not like me, that's not my norm. I'm the person when faced with unknown and issues not understood, I push forward. Hard. I want answers and resolution. I didn't do that this time. I backed away. I took the easy road. I took the selfish road. I chose ignorance. I chose wrong. I can never undo my choices, and each day wake with a regret that don't know that I will find a resolution for.
On March 23rd of this year, Glenn lost his life. My children lost their dad, my grandchildren lost their papa and I lost my best friend. Although I don't feel right about continuing to claim that title. I didn't do my best in the end. There are so many things I wish I would have done differently. I wish the last exchange that he and I had wouldn't have been the ugly words that they were. I can't undo any of that now. We will each miss him each and everyday for the rest of our lives. The poison that had been seeping into his body and brain finally flooded out and took his life. Choices. We make them everyday. So many that we don't stop to think about most of them. Stop. Think about all of them. Take the hard road. Fight because it's right, even when you don't think you have it in you. Choose to be happy. Choose to teach your children how to be an amazing partner to someone and teach them how to be an incredible parent. Choose to define what happiness is for yourself. Don't look for it in things, or other people. Do for people because you can, not because someone is watching or for what they can offer in return. Just because. We all share this life and planet for such a short amount of time. Choose your path to walk because it makes you happy, not because anyone else tells you it's what you are "supposed" to do. Choose to live life with no regrets.
In the blink of an eye, everything can change. So forgive often and love with all your heart. You may never know when you may not have that chance again.
You've only got three choices in life: Give up, give in, or give it all you've got. I'm giving it all I've got, everyday. How about you??
Teasy
