I’ve always considered myself a strong, independent, take no prisoners type of woman.  It’s never even really been a choice.  If I wasn't all these things, there wasn’t anyone that was going to be that in my place.  There wasn’t anyone that was going to take care of things, making money, paying bills, taking care of kids, taking care of me.  If I didn’t do it, no one would.  I’ve also always said, “I don’t get along with women, they don’t like me”.  Now to some extent, that is really a true statement.   But I guess I never thought about it much beyond that.  The truth is, I haven’t met many women that I like.  I’ve never been a “girls night out” type of woman.  For many reasons.  Somehow, over the course of the last couple of years, my thought processes are changing.

What happened?  I reconnected with some girls that I knew a very long time ago.  A lifetime ago really.  I met these 3 amazing women when I was in 7th grade and “knew” them until I graduated from high school.  I didn’t speak with any of them again until we “friended” each on Facebook a couple of years ago.  Through the course of time and group messaging, we became true friends.  We shared a lot with each other.  Then we shared everything with each other.  Things sometimes that were so awful to say out loud, but we could say them to each other.  And feel loved and supported through them.  But the one thing that wasn’t there?  Any bullshit.  If one of us began to make excuses or talk crap about our problem we were having, the others called it out.  Always being loving and supportive while doing it, but calling it out just the same.  I recently went off the radar for a bit.  I was, and still am struggling with some issues that have overwhelmed me.  So I shut down.  Way down.  Like not getting out of bed for days at a time because I couldn’t face the day, shut down.  It didn’t take long for them to start “looking for me”.  I ignored the first several messages.  I figured they would think I was busy or off doing something wonderfully fun and adventurous and would think I was just too busy to answer.  They knew better.  They knew something was wrong.  They called me out.  I realized out of respect for them, I owed them at least an answer that I was “ok” and not to worry.  They weren’t having that either.  They didn’t demand to know what was wrong, but they were damn sure going to make sure I knew they were there and were in it with me.  Period.

I have never experienced anything like this, ever.  I have surrounded myself with people throughout my life, that may notice that something is wrong, or that I’m “sad”.  They will ask if I’m ok, do I need anything.  I’m sure somewhere inside them, they mean those words, but secretly hope that I won’t say “yes, I need help”.  So when I say, “no, I’m ok”, they are relieved and go on with their lives.  I knew I was missing something in my life, all my life.  I didn’t know that I was missing these women.  Women who, when I say “I’m ok” know it’s not the truth and call me on it.  And then they back it up.  And they walk with me until I am ok.  And they always tell me the truth.  Whether it’s something I want to know or not.  I have always tried to be that friend to everyone.  Many say that they are looking for that in friends, but when push comes to shove, it’s not really.  Maybe it’s human nature to want others to just make us feel good.  Tell us what we want to hear to help us get through to the next step.  To help us pretend that everything is ok so that we don’t have to deal with what’s not ok.

I have come to believe that in order to be strong and healthy you have to live an honest life, be as selfless as you can, do for others when you can without any expectation of reciprocation and pass on everything you can, love, light, truth, loyalty.  Whatever you have to share, give it as a gift from the heart to anyone that you can.  Leave it at their doorstep and don’t wait to see them pick it up.  Just let it be what it’s supposed to be without your oversight.

I think we all have a story to share, one that will touch one other person in this world.  One that will help one other person in this world.  We may not even realize what that particular story is.  To us, it may seem like a small part of our big picture, a bump in the road, a glitch we had to deal with and then moved on.  But that same bump, may be a mountain someone is trying to climb right now.  Just hearing it out loud, from someone else, a sister, a stranger, an anonymous person on the internet, may be all they need to make that final push to get to the downhill side of their mountain.

My heart is telling me that this is part of my journey.  To tell my story, to share my strength and weakness, to reach out to other women and ask them to share their stories.  To create a network of women that know what the words trust, loyalty, honesty and love mean.  Women that aren’t seeking attention, creating drama, spreading rumors or any other unhealthy behavior you can think of.  Women who genuinely just care.  Somehow, we’ve all gotten lost in this shuffle of life and 40 years of feminism and chauvinism.  Somewhere along the lines it was decided it was ok to tear each other down to build ourselves up and that competing for money, jobs, men was ok.  We’ve been told we can have it all!!  We deserve it all!! We should be able to be the best employee, wife, mother, sister, daughter all rolled into one.  Somewhere along the lines, in all this having it all, competitive mess, people forgot how to be a friend.  Doing for others became a “chore” that had to be done.  Volunteering became the new buzzword.  Charity work had to be a public spectacle.  Everyone needed to KNOW, we were giving and being generous.

Well, I’m calling bullshit on all of that.  Every bit of it.  I can’t be it “all”.  I’ve tried, believe me.  I’ve cared that everyone saw me as strong and independent and able to care for myself.  I wanted everyone to know that.  Well, it’s not true.  I do what I have to do.  Bottom line.  Sometimes I like it and sometimes it sucks.  And now once, it broke me into a thousand pieces.  And so now, I just want to do the best I can, when I can.  And when I can’t, well, tomorrow’s another day and I’ll try again.  That’s what I need to hear.  It’s what is my truth.  There is nothing wrong with doing your best everyday, and still coming up short somewhere.  It’s life.  

We all hear these amazing stories of women that have overcome.  Women that have broken through the glass ceiling.  Women that have fought for rights and freedoms.  And we admire them.  They are to be admired.  And these stories are and should be inspirational.  But sometimes, they make my struggles or battles seem trivial.  Sometimes they make me feel trivial.  And often times, they are nothing that I can relate to.  I’ve never wanted my name to be known around the world.  I don’t want to be on any list that Forbes publishes.  I’m not striving to be known for ground breaking work.  I just want to live a happy, fulfilled life by my own definition.    I want to know I made a difference.  Just a small one, in just one persons life.  So no, I haven’t blazed any trails, fought multi-billion dollar corporations to save lives, made my mark to prove I was good if not better than men competing with me for a job.  I haven’t overcome poverty to become some great powerful recognized woman  I’ve never feared for my life and had to find a way out of an abusive situation.  I have done nothing extraordinary.  I have worked hard, had to figure out how to make money stretch that I didn’t have.  I have tried to help people when I could, even when it was to my own detriment at times.  I worked really hard to be a good wife and a good mom.  I loved and supported my husband(ex) through addiction, a battle we both lost.  I have done everything I can to be a good friend.  I reach out to people that seem to genuinely be hurting.  If for nothing else, to just let them know that there is one person out there that sees them.  Hears them.  And cares.  I’m not extraordinary.  I’m not even special.  Certainly not amazing.  But shouldn’t this all be enough?  Shouldn’t I feel like this is enough?  That I’ve done right?  That answer can only, and should only rest inside of myself.  In my heart.  And it does.  I know it does.  I just have to get back there to see it, to hear it, to feel it.  And I will.   And I want the other non-extraordinary women, the not even special women, that pull themselves together every morning to get to work, rush home to do homework with their kids, speed off to take them to soccer practice or ballet, then run home to put a decent meal on the table, get their kids in the bath and then fall into bed to do it all over again tomorrow, that it is enough.  You are doing right.  And you are not alone in this.  I want them to hear that it’s ok they didn’t kick the world’s ass today.  Tomorrow is another day and maybe, if we find someone to stand with us, we can kick the world’s ass tomorrow.