I’ve always considered myself a strong, independent, take no prisoners type of woman.  It’s never even really been a choice.  If I wasn't all these things, there wasn’t anyone that was going to be that in my place.  There wasn’t anyone that was going to take care of things, making money, paying bills, taking care of kids, taking care of me.  If I didn’t do it, no one would.  I’ve also always said, “I don’t get along with women, they don’t like me”.  Now to some extent, that is really a true statement.   But I guess I never thought about it much beyond that.  The truth is, I haven’t met many women that I like.  I’ve never been a “girls night out” type of woman.  For many reasons.  Somehow, over the course of the last couple of years, my thought processes are changing.

What happened?  I reconnected with some girls that I knew a very long time ago.  A lifetime ago really.  I met these 3 amazing women when I was in 7th grade and “knew” them until I graduated from high school.  I didn’t speak with any of them again until we “friended” each on Facebook a couple of years ago.  Through the course of time and group messaging, we became true friends.  We shared a lot with each other.  Then we shared everything with each other.  Things sometimes that were so awful to say out loud, but we could say them to each other.  And feel loved and supported through them.  But the one thing that wasn’t there?  Any bullshit.  If one of us began to make excuses or talk crap about our problem we were having, the others called it out.  Always being loving and supportive while doing it, but calling it out just the same.  I recently went off the radar for a bit.  I was, and still am struggling with some issues that have overwhelmed me.  So I shut down.  Way down.  Like not getting out of bed for days at a time because I couldn’t face the day, shut down.  It didn’t take long for them to start “looking for me”.  I ignored the first several messages.  I figured they would think I was busy or off doing something wonderfully fun and adventurous and would think I was just too busy to answer.  They knew better.  They knew something was wrong.  They called me out.  I realized out of respect for them, I owed them at least an answer that I was “ok” and not to worry.  They weren’t having that either.  They didn’t demand to know what was wrong, but they were damn sure going to make sure I knew they were there and were in it with me.  Period.

I have never experienced anything like this, ever.  I have surrounded myself with people throughout my life, that may notice that something is wrong, or that I’m “sad”.  They will ask if I’m ok, do I need anything.  I’m sure somewhere inside them, they mean those words, but secretly hope that I won’t say “yes, I need help”.  So when I say, “no, I’m ok”, they are relieved and go on with their lives.  I knew I was missing something in my life, all my life.  I didn’t know that I was missing these women.  Women who, when I say “I’m ok” know it’s not the truth and call me on it.  And then they back it up.  And they walk with me until I am ok.  And they always tell me the truth.  Whether it’s something I want to know or not.  I have always tried to be that friend to everyone.  Many say that they are looking for that in friends, but when push comes to shove, it’s not really.  Maybe it’s human nature to want others to just make us feel good.  Tell us what we want to hear to help us get through to the next step.  To help us pretend that everything is ok so that we don’t have to deal with what’s not ok.

I have come to believe that in order to be strong and healthy you have to live an honest life, be as selfless as you can, do for others when you can without any expectation of reciprocation and pass on everything you can, love, light, truth, loyalty.  Whatever you have to share, give it as a gift from the heart to anyone that you can.  Leave it at their doorstep and don’t wait to see them pick it up.  Just let it be what it’s supposed to be without your oversight.

I think we all have a story to share, one that will touch one other person in this world.  One that will help one other person in this world.  We may not even realize what that particular story is.  To us, it may seem like a small part of our big picture, a bump in the road, a glitch we had to deal with and then moved on.  But that same bump, may be a mountain someone is trying to climb right now.  Just hearing it out loud, from someone else, a sister, a stranger, an anonymous person on the internet, may be all they need to make that final push to get to the downhill side of their mountain.

My heart is telling me that this is part of my journey.  To tell my story, to share my strength and weakness, to reach out to other women and ask them to share their stories.  To create a network of women that know what the words trust, loyalty, honesty and love mean.  Women that aren’t seeking attention, creating drama, spreading rumors or any other unhealthy behavior you can think of.  Women who genuinely just care.  Somehow, we’ve all gotten lost in this shuffle of life and 40 years of feminism and chauvinism.  Somewhere along the lines it was decided it was ok to tear each other down to build ourselves up and that competing for money, jobs, men was ok.  We’ve been told we can have it all!!  We deserve it all!! We should be able to be the best employee, wife, mother, sister, daughter all rolled into one.  Somewhere along the lines, in all this having it all, competitive mess, people forgot how to be a friend.  Doing for others became a “chore” that had to be done.  Volunteering became the new buzzword.  Charity work had to be a public spectacle.  Everyone needed to KNOW, we were giving and being generous.

Well, I’m calling bullshit on all of that.  Every bit of it.  I can’t be it “all”.  I’ve tried, believe me.  I’ve cared that everyone saw me as strong and independent and able to care for myself.  I wanted everyone to know that.  Well, it’s not true.  I do what I have to do.  Bottom line.  Sometimes I like it and sometimes it sucks.  And now once, it broke me into a thousand pieces.  And so now, I just want to do the best I can, when I can.  And when I can’t, well, tomorrow’s another day and I’ll try again.  That’s what I need to hear.  It’s what is my truth.  There is nothing wrong with doing your best everyday, and still coming up short somewhere.  It’s life.  

We all hear these amazing stories of women that have overcome.  Women that have broken through the glass ceiling.  Women that have fought for rights and freedoms.  And we admire them.  They are to be admired.  And these stories are and should be inspirational.  But sometimes, they make my struggles or battles seem trivial.  Sometimes they make me feel trivial.  And often times, they are nothing that I can relate to.  I’ve never wanted my name to be known around the world.  I don’t want to be on any list that Forbes publishes.  I’m not striving to be known for ground breaking work.  I just want to live a happy, fulfilled life by my own definition.    I want to know I made a difference.  Just a small one, in just one persons life.  So no, I haven’t blazed any trails, fought multi-billion dollar corporations to save lives, made my mark to prove I was good if not better than men competing with me for a job.  I haven’t overcome poverty to become some great powerful recognized woman  I’ve never feared for my life and had to find a way out of an abusive situation.  I have done nothing extraordinary.  I have worked hard, had to figure out how to make money stretch that I didn’t have.  I have tried to help people when I could, even when it was to my own detriment at times.  I worked really hard to be a good wife and a good mom.  I loved and supported my husband(ex) through addiction, a battle we both lost.  I have done everything I can to be a good friend.  I reach out to people that seem to genuinely be hurting.  If for nothing else, to just let them know that there is one person out there that sees them.  Hears them.  And cares.  I’m not extraordinary.  I’m not even special.  Certainly not amazing.  But shouldn’t this all be enough?  Shouldn’t I feel like this is enough?  That I’ve done right?  That answer can only, and should only rest inside of myself.  In my heart.  And it does.  I know it does.  I just have to get back there to see it, to hear it, to feel it.  And I will.   And I want the other non-extraordinary women, the not even special women, that pull themselves together every morning to get to work, rush home to do homework with their kids, speed off to take them to soccer practice or ballet, then run home to put a decent meal on the table, get their kids in the bath and then fall into bed to do it all over again tomorrow, that it is enough.  You are doing right.  And you are not alone in this.  I want them to hear that it’s ok they didn’t kick the world’s ass today.  Tomorrow is another day and maybe, if we find someone to stand with us, we can kick the world’s ass tomorrow.

Friends

Been quite a while since I posted......so much to say, just haven't put the words to paper.  So today, I'm posting what's on my mind.  Just that simple.

Do you ever wonder why the people that are in your life are there?  Does that seem like an odd question?  Have you ever truly stopped to think about whether you have actively courted, placed and did everything in your ability to maintain people in your life, or have you passively allowed those to come in and out of your life.  Neither welcoming them in nor fighting for them to stay.

Every morning I start my day by being thankful for being given the gift of waking up and having one more day on this earth.  I also think through and give thanks for the people that I have in my life, and there are so many.  But I’ve also learned to give thanks for the people, that for whatever reason, are no longer in my life.  I’ve come to realize, that everyone that has moved through the scenery of my life, was there for a specific reason and has led me to the path that I walk today.

Up until about 3 year ago, I can look back and say that everyone in my life was there through happenstance.  Meaning, the people that I had surrounded myself with came with the everyday occurrences in my life.  I mean, I was born with my family, so what are you going to do about that? My kids are my kids, so there they are.  My friends were people I met through work, or being neighbors or just people that had been around since my youth.  When I started dating again, it was men that I met through work in some fashion.  I’ve never been accused of being passive, but as I look back through all of this time, I was certainly very passive about the people that I surrounded myself with.  I never gave thought to whether they “fit” into my life, and whether or not we brought positivity, light or love into the mutual relationship.  Whatever the definition of that relationship may be.  I never stopped to think or even realize that friendships are just as an important of a relationship in your life as your partner is.  I have some amazing people in my life that have been around for a long time.  But I’ve also had people that had been around a long time, that really, in truth, were not so amazing.  At least not in the context of what I needed and should have sought out in friends.  They weren’t bad people; they just weren’t the right people that offered a healthy balance in my life.   So how do you “break up” with friends, that essentially haven’t done anything wrong, but it’s just not the right friendship.  You can’t exactly use the “it’s not you, it’s me line”.  But in truth, it’s really what it is.  Do you just start separating yourself away from them a little at a time, becoming unavailable to do anything with them more and more frequently?  Wait for them to start filling in “your” space and time with other people until they finally drift away and are out of your life for the most part?  Just for the sake of, in your own mind, not hurting their feelings?  I truly don’t know the right answer to these questions.  I’ve done it.  I’m not proud of it.  And honestly, at times, I didn’t consciously realize I was doing it.  Not until I looked back.

Have you ever sat down and truly defined what a friend means to you? Personally.  Not words out of the dictionary, not what everyone thinks it should be.  What does that work represent to you?  In my journey over these last couple of years, I’ve given a lot of thought to the word friend.  I’ve asked myself, “what are my expectations of a friend”.  Yes, I know, politically correctness tell us in this day and time we are not supposed to expect from people.  Well, I think it’s a bunch of nonsense, because we all have expectations on some level of everyone, be it spouses, children, friends, co-workers, employees, whomever.  We ­expect from people.  So then I started to question, what was I willing to GIVE as a friend.   Where were the boundaries I was willing to set, because those limitations should be all I could expect in return.

In the end, I came to realize, there really weren’t any boundaries for me.  For the people that I wanted to hold near and call friend, there was nothing I would not do.  There was nothing that could be asked of me that I would deny.  I also knew, that these people that I hold close, my friends, would not have many requests they would ever make of me.  So many things then became so much clearer to me.   These were people I would never have to fight to keep in my life.  They would just always be.  I wouldn’t have to wonder or even ask, “are you mad at me?”.  They would have already told me.   I knew that when I was in need, I wouldn’t have to define for them what it was that I needed.  They were there.  Most importantly, I knew that there would always be an honesty to these relationships.  There would be no boundaries about what I could say or feel.  That when I needed them to call me on my bullshit, they would, whether I was willing to hear it or not.   I then came to realize, much as you cannot be in a committed relationship with more than once person and really give it your all, you cannot have so many “friends” that you cannot be a real friend to them.  I’m not saying there is a perfect number of people that you can be friends with.  It’s not like that.  I just know for myself what that word now represents to me.  I know myself well enough now to know that I cannot be a real friend, by my definition, to dozens and dozens of people.  I’ve come to realize, that I have to not only nurture those friendships, but recognize those people when they come into my life.  To be present and available to seeing that in people and being open to them.  I believe that people are placed in our lives for a reason.  Sometimes they are meant to be with us always, and sometimes, for whatever reason, they are only with us for a short time.  I’ve come to know that those people are meant to walk my journey with me for the time they are there.  For lessons we are supposed to learn, for others we are supposed to meet, and often times, for what we bring to their lives for the time we are there.  I am still trying to learn to appreciate and be thankful the time that I have with these special people and not worry about whether they will be there tomorrow, or to take that time for granted.   I’m still trying to learn and appreciate that it’s not within my control to make those decisions, anymore than it was within my control to having them placed in my life.  The only thing that is in my control is whether I’m open and accepting to them being there and how I spend that time with them.  I’m still learning.

I joke around a lot about my Dad and how the boys and I get in trouble frequently because of the things we do around the house.  And we really do get in trouble, make no mistake about that.  Since he’s retired and his full-time job became taking care of my home and property, he takes that job serious.  So when we are riding 4wheelers and motorcycles over his new dirt work, that clearly makes a great track, or we’ve made tracks in the driveway, or rode too close to a tree, or walked on fresh grass that is coming up, he gets mad at us.  And he tells us.  He’s always told me the truth.  Good and bad.  From him, my blunt honestly and insistence for the truth has come.  I didn’t realize throughout my youth, he was and will always be the best friend I could ever had.  From him is where my definition of friendship comes.  There are no boundaries.  There is nothing he would not do, there is nothing I could ask of him that he would deny.  There is no truth he won’t tell me.  There is nothing I can say to him that would ever make him turn away.  He is certainly the most incredible parent a child could ever have.  But more than that, he is the most incredible friend any person could ever hope for.  I wish that I could have been even ½ the parent that he was.  In comparison, I failed miserably.  I work hard and hope to be the friend that he is.  Yes, I was born with the family that I have.  But becoming friends with them, that is a bond that cannot be broken.  As a parent, all I can say is, I did the best I knew at the time, and when I knew better I did better.  But I’m proud to say now, that knowing how to be a friend to these incredible adults I call my children, it more than I could have ever dreamed of.

To my friends, please know that there is no where I won’t go to reach you.  There is nothing I won’t do to help you.  There is nothing I have that I won’t give to you.   I hope that my heart has already spoken these words to you.  Thank you for walking this journey with me, even in the days that we don’t speak or see each other.  You are in my heart always……..”Always together, never apart.  Maybe in distance, but never in heart.”

Glenn

Well, this is my first post and it will probably be a long one.  Sorry about that.  It's been a rough last 30 days and there has been so much in my head that I needed to put down, so here it is.

Two weeks ago, I lost someone very close to me.  My best friend and ex-husband Glenn died.  I know that the two "labels" may seem contradictory, but it is what it is.  I'm aware not many people understood our relationship, especially after our divorce, but it wasn't for anyone else to understand except for us.  And I still feel that way.

The day I married Glenn I knew he was an alcoholic.  I knew before that day, but truly believed that love cures all.  It took me many years and many tears to come to understand that statement is not true.  It isn't a lack of love that keeps people addicts.  It's not an act of selfishness as I often believed through the years.  It truly is an illness that only one person can cure, and often that person doesn't have the ability to do that.  Glenn did not.  Glenn was not a selfish person and he had a lot of love to give.  He was kind to a fault.  He was loving and giving.  He was funny.  He was my best friend.

We were married for 16 years, together for 19.  On the day he died, I had known him for 24 years.  More than half my life.  I am still trying to figure out how that void is to be filled.  The day we were married was truly the best day of my life.  His voice trembled when he said his vows, I cried when I said mine.  In our wedding video at the reception, my sister Kathy asked him "What's it feel like to be married?"  He laughed and giggled and said "I don't know, ask my wife! I can say that now!"  It will always be the memory of him that I cherish the most.

I am not looking back at my years with Glenn through rose colored glasses.  Just with love and admiration for the person that I had chosen to spend my life with.  For an appreciation of all of the amazing gifts that he brought to my life and a respect for the man that he tried very hard to be.  I've learned so much from those years and from him.  I wish that I had the wisdom then to have appreciated what I did have and not concentrated so hard on what I didn't.  We certainly set about to "have" everything.  The bigger houses, the newer vehicles, the better jobs, everything we thought our kids needed.  Things.  We didn't concentrate on being happy, rejoicing in each other, and just being happy.  We didn't stop to think that what should have been most important was continuing to nurture our relationship, our love affair, each other.  Making sure that our children had a good example of what it meant to be in a marriage and how to be good parents.  Nope.  We focused on things.  I spent my time making sure that we were the perfect family.  The house was clean, the meals made, having a great career.  We could have it all and I was damned sure focused on making sure we got there.  I never once stopped to understand or even realize that I had it all, and I was letting it all slip away for things.  Glenn's alcoholism progressed.  I vacillated between ignoring it and focusing intently on fixing it.  Big surprise, but none of it worked.  I pleaded, I begged, I cried, I threatened.  During these years, Glenn received a couple of DUI's.   Part of his sentences had been to attend AA meetings.  He was never an outgoing person or one comfortable with people he didn't know.  So I went to the meetings with him.  Open meetings and closed.  It didn't matter.  I couldn't have known at the time, but these meetings, these people in these rooms taught me so much about the disease, and that it had nothing to do with me.  At all.  That was the most powerful thing that I could learn.  There was no one that could cure this disease except one person. Glenn.  Those lessons didn't settle all the way in until after the divorce.  And then, they became invaluable into allowing me to let go and get mentally healthy.  I didn't realize I had become so entrenched in this disease with Glenn that I was no longer healthy either.

In 2007, Glenn had found the strength to tell me that he was unhappy and wanted out.  I was devastated and I was angry.  I was also embarrassed.  I had taken vows!!!  For better or worse!! No, I couldn't have known what the worse was really going to look like, but I didn't care.  What would people think?  I was already traveling a lot for work at that point, so I just stopped going home.  I ignored what was going on in my personal life and threw myself into work.  It took us 6 months to file for divorce, neither of us could actually bring ourselves to do it.  Three months later it was finalized.  I wore my wedding ring for 3 months still after that.  I couldn't bear to take it off.   Then I moved it to my right hand.  That was there for another year.  Through all of it, what Glenn and I both came to realize was, while our marriage had failed, and we both bear that responsibility, what we missed was our best friend.  Each other.  We started figuring out a way to find our way back to that relationship.  And we did.  It wasn't easy, and it wasn't always great.  We still new how to push each others buttons and we certainly still knew how to fight.  Until we figured out how to stop.  And we did.

This last year however was a weird turning point.  Glenn became more easily agitated, certainly more aggressive, and as the year wore on, he became downright mean and ugly at some points.  Lashing out and then days later apologizing for his words and actions.  When we'd talk about it, I'd tell him, you need to get some help.  There is something really wrong in your head.  He'd say "I know, I just don't know what it is."  That was the most positive thing that came from our divorce.  We finally figured out how to talk to each other openly and honestly, as friends.  I wish we had figured that out while we were married.  I wish we had made that important.  What we didn't know, what none of us could have known was that Glenn's body and mind was being poisoned from the inside out.  He was having physical symptoms and pain for which he sought out treatment for.  He was often dismissed with some pathetic advise about smoking, drinking and coffee.  Stop all of those and your pain will go away he was told.  I believed he was sinking further into a depression because of the alcoholism.  None of us knew.

Because he became more erratic, more difficult to speak with and angrier, I pulled away.  Month by month I pulled away more.  That's not like me, that's not my norm.  I'm the person when faced with unknown and issues not understood, I push forward.  Hard.  I want answers and resolution.  I didn't do that this time.  I backed away.  I took the easy road.  I took the selfish road.  I chose ignorance.  I chose wrong.  I can never undo my choices, and each day wake with a regret that don't know that I will find a resolution for.

On March 23rd of this year, Glenn lost his life.  My children lost their dad, my grandchildren lost their papa and I lost my best friend.  Although I don't feel right about continuing to claim that title.  I didn't do my best in the end.  There are so many things I wish I would have done differently.  I wish the last exchange that he and I had wouldn't have been the ugly words that they were.  I can't undo any of that now.  We will each miss him each and everyday for the rest of our lives.  The poison that had been seeping into his body and brain finally flooded out and took his life.  Choices.  We make them everyday.  So many that we don't stop to think about most of them.  Stop.  Think about all of them.  Take the hard road.  Fight because it's right, even when you don't think you have it in you.  Choose to be happy.  Choose to teach your children how to be an amazing partner to someone and teach them how to be an incredible parent.  Choose to define what happiness is for yourself.  Don't look for it in things, or other people.  Do for people because you can, not because someone is watching or for what they can offer in return.  Just because.  We all share this life and planet for such a short amount of time.  Choose your path to walk because it makes you happy, not because anyone else tells you it's what you are "supposed" to do.  Choose to live life with no regrets.

In the blink of an eye, everything can change.  So forgive often and love with all your heart.  You may never know when you may not have that chance again.

You've only got three choices in life:  Give up, give in, or give it all you've got.  I'm giving it all I've got, everyday.  How about you??

Teasy

Oops

Have no idea where my first post went, going to have to type again and re-post!!  Be patient it will be here!