Friends

Been quite a while since I posted......so much to say, just haven't put the words to paper.  So today, I'm posting what's on my mind.  Just that simple.

Do you ever wonder why the people that are in your life are there?  Does that seem like an odd question?  Have you ever truly stopped to think about whether you have actively courted, placed and did everything in your ability to maintain people in your life, or have you passively allowed those to come in and out of your life.  Neither welcoming them in nor fighting for them to stay.

Every morning I start my day by being thankful for being given the gift of waking up and having one more day on this earth.  I also think through and give thanks for the people that I have in my life, and there are so many.  But I’ve also learned to give thanks for the people, that for whatever reason, are no longer in my life.  I’ve come to realize, that everyone that has moved through the scenery of my life, was there for a specific reason and has led me to the path that I walk today.

Up until about 3 year ago, I can look back and say that everyone in my life was there through happenstance.  Meaning, the people that I had surrounded myself with came with the everyday occurrences in my life.  I mean, I was born with my family, so what are you going to do about that? My kids are my kids, so there they are.  My friends were people I met through work, or being neighbors or just people that had been around since my youth.  When I started dating again, it was men that I met through work in some fashion.  I’ve never been accused of being passive, but as I look back through all of this time, I was certainly very passive about the people that I surrounded myself with.  I never gave thought to whether they “fit” into my life, and whether or not we brought positivity, light or love into the mutual relationship.  Whatever the definition of that relationship may be.  I never stopped to think or even realize that friendships are just as an important of a relationship in your life as your partner is.  I have some amazing people in my life that have been around for a long time.  But I’ve also had people that had been around a long time, that really, in truth, were not so amazing.  At least not in the context of what I needed and should have sought out in friends.  They weren’t bad people; they just weren’t the right people that offered a healthy balance in my life.   So how do you “break up” with friends, that essentially haven’t done anything wrong, but it’s just not the right friendship.  You can’t exactly use the “it’s not you, it’s me line”.  But in truth, it’s really what it is.  Do you just start separating yourself away from them a little at a time, becoming unavailable to do anything with them more and more frequently?  Wait for them to start filling in “your” space and time with other people until they finally drift away and are out of your life for the most part?  Just for the sake of, in your own mind, not hurting their feelings?  I truly don’t know the right answer to these questions.  I’ve done it.  I’m not proud of it.  And honestly, at times, I didn’t consciously realize I was doing it.  Not until I looked back.

Have you ever sat down and truly defined what a friend means to you? Personally.  Not words out of the dictionary, not what everyone thinks it should be.  What does that work represent to you?  In my journey over these last couple of years, I’ve given a lot of thought to the word friend.  I’ve asked myself, “what are my expectations of a friend”.  Yes, I know, politically correctness tell us in this day and time we are not supposed to expect from people.  Well, I think it’s a bunch of nonsense, because we all have expectations on some level of everyone, be it spouses, children, friends, co-workers, employees, whomever.  We ­expect from people.  So then I started to question, what was I willing to GIVE as a friend.   Where were the boundaries I was willing to set, because those limitations should be all I could expect in return.

In the end, I came to realize, there really weren’t any boundaries for me.  For the people that I wanted to hold near and call friend, there was nothing I would not do.  There was nothing that could be asked of me that I would deny.  I also knew, that these people that I hold close, my friends, would not have many requests they would ever make of me.  So many things then became so much clearer to me.   These were people I would never have to fight to keep in my life.  They would just always be.  I wouldn’t have to wonder or even ask, “are you mad at me?”.  They would have already told me.   I knew that when I was in need, I wouldn’t have to define for them what it was that I needed.  They were there.  Most importantly, I knew that there would always be an honesty to these relationships.  There would be no boundaries about what I could say or feel.  That when I needed them to call me on my bullshit, they would, whether I was willing to hear it or not.   I then came to realize, much as you cannot be in a committed relationship with more than once person and really give it your all, you cannot have so many “friends” that you cannot be a real friend to them.  I’m not saying there is a perfect number of people that you can be friends with.  It’s not like that.  I just know for myself what that word now represents to me.  I know myself well enough now to know that I cannot be a real friend, by my definition, to dozens and dozens of people.  I’ve come to realize, that I have to not only nurture those friendships, but recognize those people when they come into my life.  To be present and available to seeing that in people and being open to them.  I believe that people are placed in our lives for a reason.  Sometimes they are meant to be with us always, and sometimes, for whatever reason, they are only with us for a short time.  I’ve come to know that those people are meant to walk my journey with me for the time they are there.  For lessons we are supposed to learn, for others we are supposed to meet, and often times, for what we bring to their lives for the time we are there.  I am still trying to learn to appreciate and be thankful the time that I have with these special people and not worry about whether they will be there tomorrow, or to take that time for granted.   I’m still trying to learn and appreciate that it’s not within my control to make those decisions, anymore than it was within my control to having them placed in my life.  The only thing that is in my control is whether I’m open and accepting to them being there and how I spend that time with them.  I’m still learning.

I joke around a lot about my Dad and how the boys and I get in trouble frequently because of the things we do around the house.  And we really do get in trouble, make no mistake about that.  Since he’s retired and his full-time job became taking care of my home and property, he takes that job serious.  So when we are riding 4wheelers and motorcycles over his new dirt work, that clearly makes a great track, or we’ve made tracks in the driveway, or rode too close to a tree, or walked on fresh grass that is coming up, he gets mad at us.  And he tells us.  He’s always told me the truth.  Good and bad.  From him, my blunt honestly and insistence for the truth has come.  I didn’t realize throughout my youth, he was and will always be the best friend I could ever had.  From him is where my definition of friendship comes.  There are no boundaries.  There is nothing he would not do, there is nothing I could ask of him that he would deny.  There is no truth he won’t tell me.  There is nothing I can say to him that would ever make him turn away.  He is certainly the most incredible parent a child could ever have.  But more than that, he is the most incredible friend any person could ever hope for.  I wish that I could have been even ½ the parent that he was.  In comparison, I failed miserably.  I work hard and hope to be the friend that he is.  Yes, I was born with the family that I have.  But becoming friends with them, that is a bond that cannot be broken.  As a parent, all I can say is, I did the best I knew at the time, and when I knew better I did better.  But I’m proud to say now, that knowing how to be a friend to these incredible adults I call my children, it more than I could have ever dreamed of.

To my friends, please know that there is no where I won’t go to reach you.  There is nothing I won’t do to help you.  There is nothing I have that I won’t give to you.   I hope that my heart has already spoken these words to you.  Thank you for walking this journey with me, even in the days that we don’t speak or see each other.  You are in my heart always……..”Always together, never apart.  Maybe in distance, but never in heart.”